No, seriously, I need a timeline for all of these things that may happen to me:
When will my belly button no longer fit INSIDE my stomach? I need a tread depth gauge like I (should) use to check my tires for wear.
When should my back start hurting and when, for the love of God, when will it go away?
When will that creepy dark line show up on my belly? Also, when will IT go away?
And seriously, when is it acceptable to waddle?
Also, can we talk about baby registries for a moment? Where is the compromise between the neurotic Babies R Us registry that says you need four of EVERYTHING and the mom of multiple children who tells you that you don’t need any of these “fancy, high-tech, we-never-had-those-when-we-were-pregnant” items? (For the record, that’s a carseat, and I’m pretty sure I need it, I hear Children and Youth Services looks unkindly towards babies in purses.)
I know that a lot of things go too far: wipe warmer, heated training-potty seats, designer pacifiers (go HERE if you don’t believe me) and maybe even this MamaRoo chair that I absolutely registered for in hopes that someone loves me enough to buy it, but even I understand that it’s probably a little too much. And really, unless you’re keeping your baby wipes in the fridge, I don’t think it’s going to hurt if you use a room-temperature one on your baby because, NEWS FLASH, that wipe warmer ISN’T TRAVEL FRIENDLY! What happens when you’re out at the store and you have to pull an un-warmed wipe out and use it? Are you going to be the crazy person who stands there breathing hot air onto the wipe? Not this momma. Baby will have to suck it up. I’m not saying to forgo the snot-sucker and have your baby suffocate on their own snot to teach them a lesson, but damn, I don’t need a machine that “extracts baby’s snot in a gentle but effective way.” (Dear google: Does my Shark vacuum have an attachment for that..?)
Other issues I have with registries/baby gear:
Really, wouldn’t the cheaper Litter Genie be an effective replacement for the Diaper Genie? At half the price, the deal I found on Amazon looks better by the day, especially because I’ll have a cat AND a baby!
Why are the breast pumps all screwed into the display at Target? All I wanted to do was try it on for size. Asking someone to try their used on is a little out of the question, so where’s the store where I can see just how comfortable they really are? I’m going to open that type of store and it’s name will be “Suck It: The Nursing Store”
And now, I will open my baby registry up for discussion: Liv’s Registry
If you see something that looks completely ridiculous (ignore the aforementioned MamaRoo), you can tell me and I promise not to get mad. Also, recommendations of types of bottles and strollers (preferably a jogging stroller that will accommodate an 6ft 8in husband, see why I haven’t found one yet?) is appreciated.